Excellence in sports reporting, the H5E editors 2014 NFL mock draft
It’s NFL Draft Day, and the H5E staff took it upon ourselves to sound a golden trumpet of truth over the relentless chatter that is “sports journalism.” The following is our mock up for the NFL 2014 Draft’s first round:
Houston Texans – Probably Jadeveon Clowney. That dude looks good.
Washington Redskins – Johnny Manziel , for a rookie contract that adds up to $24 worth of beads and rusted iron kettles.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Doesn’t matter.
Cleveland Browns – A brackish beacon for the beleaguered, beset by brazen beatings, belief brings the Browns, Blake Bortles; a baleful, banal backup at best.
Oakland Raiders – No idea, but the over/under on number of times Chris Berman bellows the “The Raid-uhs!” before they make their pick starts at 35 1/2.
Atlanta Falcons – Beginning their record-breaking Championship season, Atlanta will select future HOF TE Eric Ebron. There will be some drinking at the Gonzalez household.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In a cheeky moment, GM Jason Licht will accidentally draft “Whammy Satkins” as their no 1 pick. After some good natured chuckling and guffawing, Watkins and the Buccaneers will go on to the first of their many losing seasons together.
Minnesota Vikings – After losing Jared Allen to free agency, the Vikings will be looking to draft another giant bearded clown to fill his spot. Expect the Vikes to draft Leif Ericson.
Buffalo Bills – Khalil Mack. As a UB alum, this prospect is the only player adequately prepared to handle the soul crushing baggage that comes with being a Buffalo Bill. After his name is called, look for Mack to wearily approach the stage like a kid that’s scared of getting his photo taken with a mall Santa Claus.
Tennessee Titans – Brock Lesnar. The Titans have always like Paul Heyman guys, and c’mon – he beat the Streak.
New York Giants – Mike Evans, as it was the only recognizable name burped through Tom Coughlin’s rye induced slumber.
St. Louis Rams – Following the strategy of a 59 year-old local barfly, the Rams will select “someone who will actually go out and make plays, man…”
Chicago Bears – With the fan base divided on Cutler, the Bears will draft a piece of poo. Though lacking Cutler’s arm, poo does possess the same charm and sideline presence. If ownership wants to keep the fans happy, the Bears should pull the trigger on poo.
Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers will draft an extra set of decals to slap on the opposite side of their stupid, one-sided helmets.
Dallas Cowboys – USC’s finance whiz, Gary Spiegleman, to work out how they can afford the contract they gave Romo, which is more than their 400 sq. mile jumbotron. They bought a 400 sq. mile jumbotron.
Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore Ravens will draft a Roomba to clean up the shattered remains of a champion franchise.
New York Jets – In the wake of their prized off-season acquisitions of Michael Vick and Chris Johnson, the Jets will redraft Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson to further their attempt at becoming a dominant force in 2011. Get your popcorn ready.
Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals finished within a hair of reaching the playoffs in 2013, and it’s time they get back to their roots. The Cards will draft Jackson St.’s own Zachary Pendleton. He’s the 213th ranked wideout on the board and he sucks. He ran a 4.84 40-yard dash. Great fit.
Green Bay Packers – The Green Bay Packers draft actor Jake Gyllenhaal, signing him to portray Aaron Rogers in the documentary “Favre Ruined it for Himself.”
Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles are looking to select the world’s softest feather mattress to fall back on when Nick Foles doesn’t work out.
Kansas City Chiefs – The Cheifs will draft Judy Garland to play wide receiver, leading to the end of D-wayne Bowe.
Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals will attempt to draft Khalil Mack. After being informed that he was already taken in a previous round, they with audibly mutter something about not being prepared and will miss their pick, saying they’ll “catch it next round.”
San Diego Chargers – Brandin Cooks, as he was the only prospect that didn’t snicker when asked “How would you feel to wear Power Blue on Sundays?”
Indianapolis Colts – Pam Oliver.
New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Saints see David Tyree a perfect fit for their offense since people are starting to ask: “Who dat?”
Carolina Panthers – So as to not set the expectations bar too high for their fevered fan base, the Panthers will not draft anyone. After their strong 2013 outing, they’re probably take it easy for a year.
New England Patriots – The Pats will select China’s King Zhou of Shang for his speed, marked intangibles and experience with crumbling Dynasties.
San Francisco 49ers – Jameis Winston. Though he isn’t eligible for the draft, he is the only player in college ball that has Kaepernick-esque levels on the “douche-ness” scale.
Denver Broncos – With 31st pick, the Broncos will select 35 points and a second chance.
Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks will draft every fan within the Seattle city limits, because they didn’t beat in their original “12th man” stuff to death last year. Barf.
As always, we guarantee these results are 100% accurate, regardless of what actually happens. Enjoy the 2014 NFL draft and remember that the Seahawks are probably gonna win it all again anyways!